So, I reached out. An olive branch, if you will. It may have been a very thin branch with only a few little olives, but a branch non the less.
I thought about calling, but I wasn't ready to hear yelling. I anticipated insults and derogatory questioning and I want sure how I would respond to that. So, I sent a simple text. It seemed to me to be the best way.
I'm not fully ready to let the drama back in. Whenever I feel like reaching out I listen to the video/sound clip from July. It doesn't take long for me to remember why I walked away. The irrational yelling, the name calling, the fact that she doesn't realize she's hurting the ones who are closest to her.
It just like dad used to do. I am tired of having to watch what I say due to never knowing how she/he is going to react. It could go well, or an explosion happens. If things don't go their way everyone else becomes an idiot. Or stupid. Or some other name that makes them feel superior to others.
She used to care how she sounded-how much she was like dad. It's like she's forgotten everything she learned. Maybe it's the security that SS isn't going to leave her?
I just don't know what to do. I think about her all the time. Cleaning out the closet & finding all my old cassettes, listening to all old memories. Cleaning around the bed & night stand, finding the wedding folder and everything I had planned for her. I even found the beginning of my speech-it would have been great. FB memories always bring up something. But, it's like any break up, the less I mention her, the more I hold in the thoughts & not say anything out loud, the easiest it is to forget & eventually I'll have new memories that don't make me think of her... cuz I know, deep down, nothing is ever going to change.
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