So many things

There are so many things I wanna say. So many things I talk about.  But I can't.  I can't care. I will only get hurt again.

Just another day in paradise

After taking yesterday off, we slept in till almost noon again.  But this time, we got up and were productive. I got the downstairs while he was supposed to do the upstairs.  He did his side of the room 😆 after a long day of cleaning downstairs,  I went to bed, but had to finish cleaning upstairs. I couldn't even finish cuz it's half past bedtime. 

We borrowed my cousin's carpet shampooer. I love this thing.  I started with vacuuming 3 times, I shampooed the carpets. The whole downstairs! It took about half an hour just to shampoo. 

I then started on the kitchen.  Cleaning the counters, stove, oven, dishes.  I even moved some kitchen appliances, that I almost never use, to the garage. This made more room to put Christie's foreman grill in a cabinet & create so much more counter space! Swept the kitchen about 3 times. Could probably use it again.

I can't help but think of Sarah always cleaning her house with all the animals.  Well, with all our pets & ppl living here, I feel like we have as many animals as Sarah.  It felt good to clean,  but I don't have time every day to clean like that. I have dreams of cleaning like that once a week-  but every day is something different, so the whole house gets cleaned. 

Overall it was a good day.  I even got some meal prepping done.  It's going to be another 11 days before we can go shopping for more food.  I spent a lot of time creating a schedule of when fyi snack during the day.  I also spent a LOT of time planning a workout for the rest of the year.  Let's hope it can all go to plan. 

I meant to donate today, but I wouldn't have gotten done all that was done.  I meant to go to RT today, but I didn't even think about it... not that I even left the house today.  I know we need more money. I just don't know if I could have the schedule I want.  Having tuesday afternoon's off, and one Sunday (if not the whole weekend) a month off, may be just what I need, but how long can I do that?  I only need it to save up for maternity leave. Most of the credit should be paid off by then. And once Bryan finishes school and gets a new job,  we'll be able to pay off collections.

It always works out. And I've got a good plan.  Keep moving forward & sticking to a routine is what will make this work!
Good night, as it's now an hour past bedtime!

And the hits just keep on coming

So, I reached out. An olive branch, if you will. It may have been a very thin branch with only a few little olives, but a branch non the less. 
I thought about calling, but I wasn't ready to hear yelling. I anticipated insults and derogatory questioning and I want sure how I would respond to that.  So,  I sent a simple text. It seemed to me to be the best way.
I'm not fully ready to let the drama back in. Whenever I feel like reaching out I listen to the video/sound clip from July. It doesn't take long for me to remember why I walked away. The irrational yelling, the name calling, the fact that she doesn't realize she's hurting the ones who are closest to her. 
It just like dad used to do. I am tired of having to watch what I say due to never knowing how she/he is going to react. It could go well, or an explosion happens.  If things don't go their way everyone else becomes an idiot. Or stupid. Or some other name that makes them feel superior to others.
She used to care how she sounded-how much she was like dad. It's like she's forgotten everything she learned.  Maybe it's the security that SS isn't going to leave her?

I just don't know what to do. I think about her all the time. Cleaning out the closet & finding all my old cassettes, listening to all old memories. Cleaning around the bed & night stand,  finding the wedding folder and everything I had planned for her.  I even found the beginning of my speech-it would have been great.  FB memories always bring up something. But, it's like any break up, the less I mention her, the more I hold in the thoughts & not say anything out loud, the easiest it is to forget & eventually I'll have new memories that don't make me think of her... cuz I know, deep down, nothing is ever going to change.

Loki man

A few weeks ago Christie was petting Loki and noticed a fairly large bald spot on his tummy. It's not red, no rash, nothing. Just a bald spot. Bryan made an appointment with the dr so we can check thyroid...or whatever it may be. He is 11 now, so I know hormones change as we get older. I just hope it's something easy to care for. Trying to give him a pill every morning, or even twice a day, is going to be very challenging for us. Today is his appointment.

Halloween

All the Halloween decorations are up except the monster teeth & eyes on the house,  or the vultures in the yard. Lights,  bats, skeleton - done.  Roommates did some pumpkins, but they got moldy really quick. We are planning to go to the pumpkin patch in a couple weeks. I want mine to be as fresh as possible for Halloween night.  I got a couple cool stencils.

The 27th we are going on a Boo Cruise with Christina & Marc.  Im going to be the Queen of Hearts,  Bryan the madd hatter, Christina will be Alice, and Marc the white rabbit.  I'm so excited!! We're gonna take an uber so we can all drink.... if I can.😉

Jessica Andrews

I spent years and all of this time
Thinkin' I was better off
'Cause you were mine
You always said it was your way or the highway
So i shifted my life into drive
Gettin' out kissin' my past goodbye
Like Toby said how do ya like me now
This conversation has run dry 
And I keep tellin' myself

Oh oh oh there's more to me than you
Oh oh don't underestimate what I can do 
'Cause I'm alright 
It's ok
I know I'll make it through
'Cause there's more to me than you

I'm not sayin' I'm batered or bruised
But I might as well be the words that you used 
I believe in myself
That makes me stronger
Things change and so have I
I'm gonna make hay while the sun still shines
You can clip my wings but I'm still gonna fly
I'm on my own and on my way